he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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