my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
