Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
