I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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