When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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