Me. At least after what I've been through.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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