my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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