The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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