I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
