Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize