Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
