I'm eating all of the evidence.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
