Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
