i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
