i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
