Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
