Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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