i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
