Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
