You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Text me some of your sweat
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
