I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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