Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
