This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize