ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
