But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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