She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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