the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
