i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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