so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize