Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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