Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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