I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
