in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
