I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think a kid would responsible me up
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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