i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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