fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a hot homeless man
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
