I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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