last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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