This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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