another moral hangover. fuck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
