I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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