i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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