Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
