I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
