is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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