Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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