I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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