dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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