Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize