I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
