Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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