Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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