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Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
