So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
