So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
