im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
