my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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