When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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