I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
