I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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