I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
