I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
