Don't make out with my wife yet
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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