Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wish life had little blips of pornography
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
