Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize