i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
