I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
