You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
