I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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